“Struggle To Be.”
I don’t want to give loneliness freelance to do its thing, but ultimately, sometimes it happens anyway. So long it has been since my body has been where it wanted to go. I read, write, and I long for a hug, a long walk down the beach, a hike up a mountain path, and to plant and watch a garden prosper in spring. I long to go to Sweden where I know people care for me. I ponder and dream and wonder. I struggle to be.
Yesterday, today, tomorrow, not unlike what came before. The days seem to run into each other like merging clouds. And only yesterday, a moment ago, it seems like I was 19. There was a place inside me back then, an unknown area, I went to when I started this time in prison decades ago. That place inside I did not know existed or know now how I naturally went there each time some new prison horror, rule, or behavior required me to go to this spot.
Like everyone, everywhere in the world, upon awakening each morning I struggle to be who I am. I try to avoid the omnipresent thoughts of loneliness, boredom, death, and aloneness that are enhanced tenfold in prison, but the thoughts keep coming. The green grass and door flowers have been cut and rolled under by pounds of steel. A few bees are busy seeking to pollinate the remaining damaged flowers and bring them back to life. They suckle out what is left in the bulbs.
From barred, thick, thin plastic window on the backside of the cell, I can see rock doves and geese, turkeys, and a couple of huge blackbirds. Crows [inaudible] at the edge of silence. There are only marble sized spots in the window I can see out of. And then only if I twist and strain my eyes and body, I see out of the window where the rain has washed away, some of the paint that darkens a window in the colorless wall. I hope there will be an angle for the sun to blink in through the window and share some hope.
Why can’t we live our dreams, each being in their own niche, where loneliness and despair are like far away stars, a million light years from here? Where love, peace and kindness, bloom like sunflowers. Why must life be a dream, a moment, a utopia, a puff of smoke? Oh, why must the lovely wildflower wither and go away when the sun forever shines. Standing in the same spot each morning, I struggle to be who I am for a day.
For a moment, at dusk, and the red headed black turkey vultures circle, closer and closer, like soft flowing kites, not once flapping their wings. Feel I am in all small things: baby sparrows, crows, geese, spiders, blackbirds, cowbirds, rock doves, and baby flowers. They make me smile like the lovely spider web in the corner of the art room window, and the daddy long leg spiders in the cage outside the art room, where I sit and play my Native American flute. The sweet sunrise of winter, summer, spring, and fall warm my heart; looking at a transparent moon in the daylight sky makes me hope. It all makes me wonder about nothing in particular, no language is required, and no reason.
(Sound of a cell door closing.) These commentaries are recorded by Noelle Hanrahan of Prison Radio.
![Prison Radio is sharing an abbreviated version of a press release covering recent racist incidents at SCI Rockview in PA and the organizing to demand accountability. We are reaching out to people incarcerated at Rockview as well as recently transferred folks, inviting them to call, in hopes of hearing commentaries from them.
Benner Township, PA.-
On November 24th, 2023, imprisoned people at SCI Rockview found two nooses hanging in the CO’s office, displayed visibly for many prisoners to see. When the prisoners asked the staff why the nooses were hung, they were told it was a joke.
By December 4th, prisoners filed a grievance to document what they saw, noting that the hanging of the nooses was “unethical, racially motivated, hateful, [a] deliberate debasement of black inmates" and “unsafe for inmates, staff, [and] the whole prison in general.” In the grievance, they demanded that Sgt. Mosser and CO Richard be fired and investigated for a hate crime, and for CO Kirchner to get therapy. Captain Andrews, the head of security, denied the grievance.
The sergeant and COs are still working in the prison to this day, with no repercussions...
As of March 10th, prisoners have reached out to Pennsylvania officials at the Dept. of Corrections in a letter campaign, sending 100 copies of the grievance. Copies of the letter also were mailed to Governor Shapiro, Senator Fetterman, Senator Street, and various advocacy groups. The demands for relief in the original grievance have now become the platform of demands for this campaign. About 20 of the 100 letters were withheld by the prison.
Activists on the outside are joining forces with prisoners to elevate their demands, flooding the phone lines of DOC offices, assisting with outreach to media, and circulating the stories of prisoners who have found unity in opposition to the facility's virulent institutional racism.
In any other workplace, hanging a noose would be grounds for immediate termination. However, Nicki Paul, the superintendent's assistant and "grievance coordinator" informed the public that they self-investigated their staff and found they did nothing wrong.
Read the full article at i
https://conta.cc/4ayDxlB](https://www.prisonradio.org/wp-content/plugins/instagram-feed/img/placeholder.png)