As a person on the spectrum, I can honestly say I don’t particularly like it for many reasons. But, yet I travel my path in life. I don’t typically like sharing problems or personal things, but I will briefly do so.
First, however, I must state I’m aware that everyone has difficulties in life, and mine could be worse. Most of my life till now I’ve wanted to die, and be hopefully at peace. I don’t believe I fear death, but think I fear the unknown, or the possibility of injury and still living on with it. I’m perpetually discouraged. I’m persistently misunderstood. I can’t remember a time in life I have truly felt as if I belonged. I have few things that give me reason persist living. I do and don’t understand why the United States does and doesn’t do what it does, as well as why we, as a race, make it more complicated on one another. We, in a sense, are one family X times removed from one another, or at least that’s one viewpoint.
I, as well as my siblings and my beloved mother, went through over a decade of constant physical and mental abuse. I haven’t found anything in life that brings undying joy. When people compliment me, it feels empty. I had plans to kill my father around age of 12 to protect my siblings, mother, and myself, which I’m not proud of. However, my mom told me not to, so years torture continued, known to many. I lose interest in pretty much everything at a rapid pace. My romantic relationships are pretty much nonexistent. I think I’ve lost my true self, I believe, by masking and/or mirroring, or the like, but I’m unsure on how to find it again, etc. I don’t mean to make you, as a listener, feel sad but this is a reality of one of billions of people on the planet. Many people tend to treat autistic people like they are normal when research, documentaries, and firsthand experience proves otherwise.
What is normal but a perspective of commonality? Whose type of normal is it? I had watched a VPN documentary on autism that stated statistics, showed people’s stories and such. It was very enlightening, unfortunately also depressing due to how close it hit home. We autistic people, no matter the classification, I’d like to believe, need some form of assistance, whether wanted or not. Giving us a choice matters more than you know, given there are things we can do. Asking if we need help is appreciated but if done too much can also be irritating, as anyone could imagine. At least by attempting to assist, or even know the person, it could promote companionship, enlighten people in regards to autistic people so they understand us more, or other possibilities.
As a person on the spectrum, paired with multiple other disorders, life is just that much more difficult. I do my best to live life as a so-called normal person, but it doesn’t seem like it matters, for various reasons. I, however, keep walking, whether I’m sculpted into a masterpiece or not. In the grand scheme, how many other people are truly fighting their own selves to contain what we could do in hopes of being better? Too much compassion brings wolves to sheep, too much anger leads to harm, etc.
When I was younger, and maybe subconsciously do now, I used to ponder on things such as, but not limited to, the cosmos, nature, my natural pull to crystals, life and death, philosophy, power’s many forms, human interactions, concepts of divinity, and more. I don’t believe I came to anything with one answer, given multiple perspectives and angles, but I did come to many answers and even more questions.
These commentaries are recorded by Prison Radio.
