Hi, this is Larry Stromberg, SCI Phoenix. This is my comedy short play called “Dr. Christmas.”
My name is Dr. Christmas. You may never have ever heard of me, my very important practice. I’m the one who keeps everything alive and well for Christmas. For instance, there’s my therapy sessions that Santa and Mrs. Claus and their marital problems; that couple was way out there. The parties they throw at the Claus Mansion should put the Playboy Mansion to shame. There’s nothing worse than a 1000 little elves causing havoc at the Great North Pole during Christmas time while I spoke with Santa and Mrs. Claus about the situation, and they confide to me about their love life difficulties, where I encourage Santa to try Viagra.
Needless to say, things are much better in the Claus Mansion nowadays. Santa’s “Ho Ho Ho” is heartier than ever. Another job well done for Dr. Christmas. Then there’s one Frosty the Snowman in his battles with depression, some or many of us deal with in this thing called life. I even stopped Frosty from going on a suicide mission to the Virgin Islands. I rushed to the Great North Pole airport with great agility, power, and speed, and I grabbed Frosty by his wet behind, through his wet behind in the freezer. Once his mind was frozen again, I began the magical work of Dr. Christmas, and the snowman. Snowman, he’d cry with snowman tears. He told me he didn’t feel appreciated anymore. He felt used, abused, and totally confused. I told Frosty stop believing the lies of the devil. You were loved by millions, billions, trillions. You were the greatest snowman ever lived.Once that snowman grabbed a hold of that reality, he starts singing and dancing like the greatest snowman that he truly is. Another job well done for Dr. Christmas.
Then there’s the Boozer, Rudolph, the Red-Nosed Reindeer. What a basket case. Many years, years ago, decades ago, Rudolph got drunk with eggnog and vodka, and on Christmas Eve, he smashed Santa’s sleigh into Jolly’s, an Elf stripper joint at the Great North Pole. It was a horrific accident. Many elves were badly hurt. Many elf strippers were badly injured, and Santa, he was furious at Rudolph, and Jolly’s was nearly destroyed, and the North Pole DA pressed charges against Rudolph, and Rudolph was convicted. He was sentenced to the North Pole State Penitentiary, and there, because of his high-profile case, he had to take PC — protective custody. Well, I rushed to the Great North Pole penitentiary with no fear behind the frozen razor wire, and I sat down with Rudolph. He cried with Buck tears. He told me he didn’t feel appreciated anymore. He felt used, abused, totally confused. I told Rudolph, your past doesn’t have to dictate your future. You can overcome with hard work, faith in God, and education. Rudolph did just that. He got off PC —protective custody— started taking a program called TC —which is therapeutic community— and Rudolph even earned his college degree. And Santa forgave Rudolph.
He spoke to the North Pole DA, and the North Pole DA, well, he commuted Rudolph’s sentence. Hallelujah! And Rudolph and Santa became the best of friends, and Rudolph went to Jolly’s with Santa by his side; paid restitution to all the elves, elf strippers, and reindeers, and the Jolly ownership; and Rudolph, and Santa, Mrs. Cross, 1000s of elves, elf strippers, reindeer, the Grinch, Ebenezer Scrooge, they helped to rebuild Jolly’s for the greatest elf stripper joint all in the North Pole, filled with that loving, giving Christmas spirit. And today, Rudolph is leading Santa’s sleigh with his nose shining bright and great glory. I can tell you more about my clientele, which includes the Grinch and his psychotic ways, Ebenezer Scrooge, and that Frost, otherwise known as Jacky Frost. And when Jack Frost gets upset, oh, here comes the deep freeze. Brrr! But everybody’s doing much better today because of the wonderful work of doctors, the psychiatrist of the Great North Pole. Now, if anyone listening ever visits the North Pole and you need my assistance, the wonderful Dr. Christmas, you can visit me at 77 Christmas Lane. I only charge candy canes for my time. Santa loves you, Jesus loves you, so does Dr. Christmas. Merry Christmas, everybody, Merry Christmas.
These commentaries are recorded by Prison Radio.
