“Suicide.” Today is March 30, so Monday, 2026.
Mental health. We are regularly reminded that it exists. We know that it is the greater cause of many of our least and our worst national problems. Still, it is not discussed as openly or regularly or as properly as it should be. It is also still being ignored by our laws, our judicial system, and especially our prison industrial complex, the latter of these being an acknowledged cause of long term psychological damage after only a few years, and ironically, the place we are warehousing all of those mental health cases we wish to toss in the trash. Suicide, considered to be the most tragic of outcomes is discussed even less and often by those who don’t have any real understanding of it. Today, I’m going to discuss it in short, and it will not come with some politically correct hotline or warning, though some may add that themselves.
To begin with, let me dismiss some misconceptions about suicide. Suicide is not an urge to die. It is instead a need for the trauma and hurt of a problem to end by any means necessary, and no other means can be found. Next, the idea that suicide equates to cowardice is an idea put forth by those who, I would opine, have never seen the ideation arise in their own mind, spirit and heart. Overcoming three billion years of DNA programming centered around survival takes immense willpower and therefore courage, even more so when the final outcome, the thing beyond death, if any, is one of the greatest mysteries of the human condition. Allow me to clarify one more thing. These observations come not from some book, but from my own very personal daily struggle with ideations and a willingness to look at myself when I am there.
In prison, you absolutely do not discuss suicidal ideation, not with other captives, and especially not with staff. And yes, that includes mental health staff. The only thing prison staff understand is how to cause more harm. So, if they believe you might hurt yourself, the response is this: You are stripped naked by force, if necessary, an act of sexual assault. You are then put into a cell with 24 hours of light for a minimum of 48 hours. During that time of intense humiliation, you will be heckled, ridiculed and insulted. When it is over, you will feel so much worse that if you were not suicidal, you may become so. If you were, now you have a plan as well. Once again, I speak from experience and at great personal risk of being put through such traumatic assault for a fourth time. I know what these monsters can do to me and others.
I have a lifetime of mental health issues going back to age 10, but I was never suicidal. I survived a traumatic brain injury that kills 60% of those inflicted with such an injury back in 2011 – all sorts of psych issues, but not suicidal ideation. After surviving a violent attack by unidentified police in my own house at night, unprovoked and unjustified, followed by police beating me near to death that same night, including six more severe concussive blows to the head that are the probable cause of permanent visual damage and disability, followed by four more beatings by a jail guard during six months of solitary confinement, the struggle began, and it deepened quickly. After [being] beating by staff my first year of prison and two more head blows by a cell mate off his meds, and it deepened more. Then I discovered all of the state documents that exonerated me and damned a Virginia Commonwealth attorney beyond redemption, and still I sit in a prison where I am the regular target of staff abuse and harassment for nothing more than speaking out.
I do not remember a day for 10 years now where suicide has not been a lingering option. Some days I go through the process of killing myself 1000 times over in my mind, sometimes quietly, other times, in a way more befitting my role as a bard. Every day I get through to tomorrow. I speak about this at personal risk, because someone has to, and it seems that it is my role as the bard to talk about the stories not being told. So, to you who are thinking about this, who go through this, you are not alone. And I say that from within your space and not from outside of it, looking in.
My name is David Annarelli. I’m a contributing writer at prisonjournalismproject.org, davidannarelli.wordpress.com. You can find me on Instagram @david_annarelli, really, numerous other place on Google. I’m an advocate for mental health care, especially in prisons, especially for those who have brain injuries or who have survived brain surgeries. Thank you very much.
These commentaries are recorded by Prison Radio.
