Hey, everybody. My name is William Tanner. I’m currently incarcerated at Red Onion State Prison, located in the southwestern region of Pound, Virginia. For those of you who are not familiar with Red Onion or for those of you who are, it’s a really bad place, and it’s a place of loneliness and oppression. And I have to find ways to keep myself sane in this environment, so I come up with funny skits to try to entertain myself and keep my sanity. And I would like to share one with y’all right now. It’s called “Welcome to Red Onion.”
Welcome to Red Onion
Are you planning a vacation? Do you need a break from your ordinary life? If so, look no further. Red Onion State Prison has everything you need. With its state-of-the-art architecture inspired by military and government bunkers, Red Onion State Prison is a prefab concrete castle, complete with all the amenities to rival the Bastille, including authentic dungeon-style bedroom doors, arrow-slit windows overlooking wonderful views of chain-link fences and razor wire, as well as bank vault-style showers. Boasting 24-hour surveillance, this exclusive gated community is your dream destination and offers something for everyone.
I was offered a complimentary beating upon my arrival, the first of many unique experiences. Don’t miss out on the lively communal dining scene at Red Onion’s critically acclaimed cafeteria, only a short walk from its segregated community. This site is so popular, many guests can testify you won’t want to leave and might not be allowed to. experience true Southern hospitality at Red Onion State Prison, where orange is the new black and violence is the norm. This maximum-security resort features manicured lawns, basketball courts, and a thriving feral dog colony.
Be sure to bask in the aroma of fresh dog poop as you enjoy your leisure walk around Red Onion’s Auschwitz-like atmosphere. So book your packs today for the perfect getaway from your job, your family, and your future. Red Onion State Prison: come on vacation, leave on probation, come back on a violation.
These commentaries are recorded by Prison Radio.
