Prison Radio
Jamil Pirant

So, my name is Jamil Pirant. I’m calling from IYC [Indiana Youth Center], and this piece is called, “Anxiety.”

I almost gave up. I know that’s a hella foul way to start that off.  That’s a part of me I never thought I’d see. I’m not saying that I gave up—of course I didn’t,  I got the fight in me. But it’s like, I pondered that thought, like what’ll happen if I did, which is like one of the scariest moments in my life. 

I’m gonna tell you why. Because so much good stuff was popping up for me—you know, the parole board stuff and, you know, the appeal stuff, the new evidence stuff, all this stuff popping up for me—and it almost kind of made me shut down. And it almost made me shut down because now I need legal help. So now I have to put some of my energy back into trying to find a lawyer, and I remember when I was 16, 17 years old, we got a lawyer who swapped me out, gave me to the prosecutor. And what made him want to stop working—or what made him really get to doing the crooked stuff, I should say—is when he felt he wasn’t getting paid how he wanted to get paid.

So, naturally, when the parole board stuff popped up, and I’m like, “Man, I need a lawyer.” Then I’m thinking like, “Oh shit, what if I can’t pay the lawyer right? Where am I gonna get the money from? Oh shit.” Now I’m getting outta my mind. And I think that’s kind of how the trick be, where you kind trick yourself out your own spot with fear. So you really can’t fear. I know fear’s a natural thing, but that’s what comes with being a warrior where you, when you only fear the Creator or yourself.

And you being a warrior ain’t just going through battles. You being a warrior is getting through the battles with your wounds that you got. You know what I’m saying? I know spiritually I’m a warrior because I had scars on this journey. But I made it with my scars. You know, all scars are not seen, but they do exist. So, me even considering giving up almost made me like, “Whoa!” Made me, like, it was a flash, like, “Oh, give up?”

But I got a letter from this lady named Suzanne from Washington, DC, and she wrote me, she said— out the blue— she wrote me, and she said, “We listening to you, Prison Radio’s…” You know, “We love you, and the people love you…”

You know, I don’t know where this came from, ‘cause I ain’t left no commentary. Just, it was a reality. So, you know, the universe, the earth, the Creator is not gonna give up on you, especially when y’all don’t never give up on me. So I’m grateful, but I know I got anxious and that anxiety almost got the best of me.

You know the longer in the fight, when you get to 11 rounds and 10 rounds, that’s when it get heavy, your arms get heavy. That don’t mean you ain’t got the fight in you, it’s just your arms get heavy. You might, you know, you just need some good people in your corner that’s gonna help you patch up your wounds and put some water in your mouth and tell you, “Okay, now get back in there, and duck like this, and watch that left like that.”

So I’m grateful for y’all so much, y’all helped me bounce back and that fight ain’t over with, you know what I’m saying? You know, we got the same thing going, the same thing moving. I appreciate every letter. I promise you that shit touch my soul. Every piece of mail, every piece of prayer and thought. I feel it. It hit my spirit from miles and miles away. I’m so grateful for it. And I’m fighting, I’m still here standing tall with a smile and I’m grateful and it’s real and it’s sincere.  So thank y’all once again. Thank y’all from the bottom of my soul. I’m grateful.

These commentaries are recorded by Prison Radio.